Busui Onabe no Okama no Me
by baka bakashi
Summary: Queer Eye for the Straight Guy meets Kamatari Honjou! Her team's first assignment, a well known takuni...


Okama no Kama Tsukai Productions present...

**Busui Onabe no Okama no Me**

**(Queer eye for the ugly girl)**

(A/N - actually – it translates as 'the ugly girl's queer eye' because I couldn't figure out how to properly translate 'for' in this sense, and 'onabe' is the feminine version of 'okama'... but... oh well, it kinda makes sense...)

**With everybody's favourite cross-dresser, Kamatari Honjou!**

Kamatari: (standing in trademark pose – tongue out to side with V-hand sign) Hi, everyone! Wow, I have my own show! (claps hands together) Kakkoii!! Well, I suppose I'd better get the explanation out of the way, hadn't I? Every installation I get to makeover another character from 'Rurouni Kenshin' to turn them into a beautiful creation! But I wouldn't be able to do everything by myself – there's more to being a lady then just putting on a kimono. (drumroll starts) So, let me introduce my helpers – Himura Kenshin for cooking skills!

Kenshin (tada!): ... oro... Sessha will do his best de gozaru...

Kamatari (drumroll): The beautiful Takani Megumi for personal grooming!

Megumi (tada!): I don't even know who you are, you weird man...

Kamatari (drumroll): A man who knows how keep things clutter-free in his home, Sagara Sanosuke for interior design!

Sanosuke (tada!): Oi, I don't own anything but a house – of course it's clutter-free! I can't do this job, lady! (Megumi taps him on the shoulder) What is it, fox? (she whispers something in his ear) WHAT?! That's a guy? But she's hot!!

Kamatari: (giggles) Why, thank you, Sagara-kun! You're not bad looking yourself – I could develop an inclination for you... (Sanosuke: Get away from me, you queer!!) (drumroll) And our last member of the Fab Five – for culture, Kashiwazaki Nenji, better known as Okina!

Okina (tada!): (holds up a victory 'V') Waaah!! Soon I'll be able to finally conduct 'Okina's Personal Guided Tour of Kyoto's Greatest Sights'!

Kamatari: And so our party stands. Now, on with the show – our first protege is a young woman who we are all familiar with, and I'm sure many of our group has had a lasting impression from her in some way...

Kenshin: (rubs head gingerly)

Sanosuke: (face turns green while gagging)

Megumi: (holds hand to cheek while a nerve twitches on her forehead) No alcohol tolerance whatsoever...

Okina: ... well, I don't find her that bad... a bit smelly, perhaps... (gets hit by a shinai)

Kamatari: (rubs kneecap) Well, if you haven't figured out who our case is, it is no other than Kamiya Kaoru!

Kaoru: What the hell is this?! Kenshin, why are you here? Are you involved with this? If you are...(waves around her shinai menacingly)

Kenshin: Maa... (stands behind Sanosuke) Please don't be angry, Kaoru-dono...

Megumi: Too late...

Kamatari: Well, I'll be taking Kaoru to get a new kimono, and if you could come too, Megumi-san. Okina-san – please get your things ready, you'll have her after Megumi-san. And I'll leave the dojo to you, Sagara-kun...

Sanosuke: uh... ok... (looks around, bewildered)... What am I doing again? Kenshin, help!

Kenshin: Oro...

---

(standing outside Keiko's Kimonos)

Kamatari: Here we are! The best kimono store in all of downtown Tokyo!

Kaoru: Really? I've never heard of it before.

Megumi: Well, that's not much of a surprise...

(before Kaoru can attack Megumi, Kamatari grabs them both and skips through the doors)

Kamatari: Now, Kaoru-san, look at these beautiful colours! They suit you so well! Now – off with those rags!

Kaoru: Rags?! This is my best kimono!

Kamatari: (rips it off) Not anymore!

Megumi: (hides a smirk behind her hand while Kaoru screams) Oh dear, it will take a lot of thread to fix that tear...

Kaoru: You bastard! That was my best kimono!

Kamatari: _Was_. Note the tense of the word – past tense of 'is'. Now, _this_ is your best kimono! (holds out an off-the-shoulder number, white fading into dark blue near the bottom)

Megumi: (once the kimono is put on) Ooh... that is nice, Kaoru... although...

Kaoru: (face red) I look like a slut...

Kamatari: No, you don't! Off-the-shoulder kimonos are very stylish... in fact, even Yumi wore one... hmm... maybe not then. (pulls the kimono off Kaoru) Next!

(a few minutes later)

Kamatari: There, what do you think, Megumi?

Megumi: ...

Kamatari: Well said – that sums it up perfectly!

Kaoru: (decked out in a red kimono with long sleeves, a pattern of gold flowers arranged on the material, with a pine green obi sash) I am... I am... UTSUKUSHII!!!!

Kamatari: Uh-huh! Now, go with Megumi – she'll fix up your face.

Kaoru: ... Are you saying that there's something wrong with my face? Well, are you?!

Kamatari: (steps out of shinai range) Well... not fundamentally...

Megumi: Come on, Takuni... no use getting mad at a queer who looks better than you... (grabs hold of the shinai before Kaoru can reach it, and also grabs hold of her arm, steering her towards the Oguni Clinic)

---

(Megumi and Kaoru are sitting in the spare room of the clinic, with Kaoru tied to a chair, her arms strapped to her sides)

Kaoru: ... Why did you tie my arms up, Megumi?

Megumi: (looking through her makeup tools) I thought it would be obvious. Whenever someone makes a comment about your imperfections, you choose to take action by pummeling them, which only demonstrates their point. (watches Kaoru thrash in her seat, spewing forth many obscenities) Also, you might accidentally knock while I'm putting on the make up. Now, hold still...

(a few moments later)

Kaoru: (looking at the mirror Megumi is holding up) What did you do?!

Megumi: What did you expect, thrashing around the whole time?

Kaoru: It didn't help that you kept insulting me.

Megumi: (wiping Kaoru's face clean) What? I was merely suggesting improvements you could try out, especially around Ken-san... (fox-ears appear) Perhaps you don't understand how to put my suggestions into practice... would you like me to give a demonstration next time we see Ken-san?

Kaoru: (nerve twitches on her forehead) ... Me... gumi... san....

Megumi: Ho ho ho! You're so sensitive! No wonder Ken-san doesn't take you seriously (pulls her hand away as Kaoru tries to bite it) My! You haven't changed a bit since I've met you. Come on, I am trying to help you, here, so stay still for just one minute... I haven't even gotten to look at the knots in your hair...

(still attached to the chair, Kaoru leaps up to body slam Megumi to the ground)

---

Okina: (mouth hanging near the ground) ...

Megumi: Yes, I thought I did a good job too. (fox-ears appear) Well, I'm off to see how Sanosuke and Ken-san are doing... ho ho ho!

Kaoru: (being held back by Okina) MEGUMI!!! You better not do anything!!

Okina: Uh, Kaoru-san, if we can go now...?

(walking down the road to Akabeko)

Okina: So, you know the basic _reigi_ when serving food, right?

Kaoru: ...

Okina: Huh? But I though you cooked for everyone at the dojo.

Kaoru: I do, but... (eyes start to well up with tears) but...

Okina: Uh... won't your makeup smudge if you cry?

Kaoru: But... no one likes my cooking... (hi-cup!) They all like Kenshin's cooking more... (hi-cup!) Sano just turns around and leaves if he's not cooking... (hi-cup!) but if Sano hears that Megumi's coming over to cook for us... (hi-cup!) he... he... (hi-cup!) ...

Okina: (looks on apprehensively) ...

Kaoru: (Tears burst forth) HE COMES RUNNING AND SITS DOWN WITH CHOPSTICKS IN HAND!!!!!!! AND HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE HER!!!!!

Okina: (pats her shoulder gently) There, there... Kenshin's teaching you how to cook today, so don't worry...

Kaoru: Kenshin is...? Then, he'll see me like this... (looks at her reflection in a mirror in a nearby stall) EEEK!!! MY MAKEUP'S RUNNING!!! (runs into the Akabeko) TAE-SAN! TASUKETE!!!

Okina: (sweat-drop) ...

---

(a while later, once Kaoru has been fixed and Okina has finished with her)

Kamatari: Well, Kaoru, your transformation is almost complete! How are you feeling?

Kaoru: Please, make it stop...

Kamatari: Mou, surely you don't want to finish now? Himura-kun still hasn't taught you how to cook yet... Kaoru-san?

Kaoru: (a cloud trailing behind her) Kenshin! I'm ready for my lesson now!

(Kaoru reaches the dojo)

Sanosuke: Uh... we haven't really finished here yet, jou-chan... (looks at her properly) ... that _is_ you, jou-chan, right?

Kaoru: Yes, of course it's me – why wouldn't it be?

Sanosuke: Well... you look good for a change... eep... (barely dodges a swinging shinai)

Kaoru: Care to say that again, Sano?!

Kenshin: (comes out from the dojo) Is Kaoru-dono back already, Sano...? (sees Kaoru) ... oro...

Kaoru: ...what? What is it, Kenshin? Do you think that... (tears start to well up again) that I'm not... pretty?

Kenshin: Oro? No, no – of course not, Kaoru-dono! Right now you look very nice...

Kaoru: (even more tears well up) You mean... that normally... I'm... not pretty?

Sanosuke: Heh heh – you're stuck now, Kenshin...

Kenshin: (sweatdrop) No, Kaoru-dono – you misunderstand sessha... oro... let's just do the cooking lesson now, de gozaru ne?

Kaoru: (sniffs) Ok... (grabs hold of Kenshin's gi as he leads her into the dojo)

(inside the dojo)

Kaoru: ...

Kenshin: Well, as Sano said, we are not quite finished de gozaranai...

(The practice room floor is cover with purple paint where a paint pot was knocked over – by Sanosuke, the walls are half-painted purple, and the ceiling is a peculiar shade of blue– which is still dripping paint onto the floor. There are also trendy pieces of furniture (well, whatever was trendy in the 1870s, that is) placed in random places – their colours contrasting quite radically with the purple puddle. Also, a rose bush has been put into the far corner – don't ask why.)

Kenshin: ... oro... let's just go to the kitchen...

(the kitchen is untouched, much to Kaoru's relief)

Kenshin: Well, we're going to be making oyakudon domburi, so if you could just put some rice on for sessha, I'll then explain how to make it...

(a short time later)

Kaoru: Eeek!!!

Kenshin: Kaoru-dono!! Don't try and pick up the pot! Just put the fire out!! Oro...

Sano (in the practice room): Oi, Kenshin! Don't tell me she's burnt the food again! Kuso...

---

(later that night)

Kamatari: And so our transformation is complete! Kaoru-san is dressed in a stylish kimono with gold pattern, as chosen my moi! Megumi-san has done her makeup, who has worked very hard to achieve this masterpiece. (Kaoru: Are you implying something?) Sagara-kun has managed to fix up his bungled first attempt at tsuzhing up the practice room.

(The walls are finished, and the blue ceiling blends in with it where they join. The trendy furniture have been customised to suit the room, the floor cleaned and varnished, and the rose bush has gone. In its place is a bamboo plant – oh well.)

Kamatari: Now, has Himura-kun has managed to make Kaoru's food edible? Let's test it on her toughest critics – Megumi-san, Sagara-kun, and introducing... Myoujin-kun!

(The three are sitting in a row with empty plates in front of them. Kaoru comes over and carefully kneels in front of them, serving out the domburi in the proper fashion.)

Kamatari: Oh, I can see that Okina-san has done his work well – her manners have improved tremendously

Kaoru: What was that?! (throws some of the domburi at Kamatari with the ladle she's using)

Kamatari: Oh well... I guess there is only so much a person can improve... (dodges more domburi)

(Sanosuke, Megumi and Yahiko pick up their bowls and chopsticks in unison, and taste the domburi. The room is static with the tension.)

Yahiko: ...

Megumi: ...

Sanosuke: ...

Kaoru: '...'? What do you mean, '...'?! I worked hard on this!!

Yahiko: Oi, busu! We're not saying anything bad, are we? You should take that as meaning it's not poisoning us, meaning it's not that bad!

Kaoru: (a small smile forms on her face) Oh... ok, then... (skips around happily) They don't hate it!

Okina: ...

Kenshin: Oro...

Kamatari: And so this installment comes to its conclusion! I hope everyone enjoyed it! (strikes her pose) Jaa, mata ne!

---

Notes:

Wow... this was actually fun... though that was partially because it wasn't the homework I was meant to be doing... oh well, it's only the japanese oral... which the readings are starting tomorrow... oh schiesse... (runs away at Soujirou-speed)

Translations:

Kakkoii – cool

Sessha... de gozaru, Kaoru-dono etc... – Kenshin's way of talking... if you don't know that already, slap yourself on the hand. Hard.

Shinai – bamboo sword

Maa – oh dear...

Utsukushii – beautiful

Reigi – etiquette

Tasukete – help me

Mou – aww, darn etc...

Jou-chan – missy

Ne? – said when looking for agreement

Domburi – a bowl of cooked rice with some other food put on top of the rice. Some of the most popular toppings are tempura (tendon), egg and chicken (oyakodon), tonkatsu (katsudon) and beef (gyudon).

Kuso – shit

Jaa, mata ne! – Well then, see you later!


End file.
